Last weekend a revelation hit me about myself. It was a sucky weekend and a sucky revelation. However, in spite of that, it’s good it happened. It’s good because out of the rubbishness of the situation that revelation is starting to frame a few of the realities and struggles I find myself in. The struggles have a name, an explanation (of sorts), and that is helpful.
Also, after that hard weekend, I have found the last week[and weekend] has for the most part been so much lighter for me. I’ve been so much lighter.
I can try and do away with the mentality that I should ‘just get on with it’. Or the statements of inadequacy and laziness. The self-condemnation and immense pressures I put upon myself.
I not saying I’m now somehow ‘fixed’ or by beginning to understand something more about myself I can see the causes of my difficult weekend. Hopefully though this marks a moment that I can move forward from and not backwards. I expect I’ll still have rough days and weeks, still struggle, but I’m not condemned by my struggles in the same way I was before.
This realisation is also not an instant thing and I can see now I was coping but I maybe wasn’t just under-the-weather, tired, or fine, like I thought. I’m not trying to explain everything away or create an excuse to lean upon but it is helpful to be a bit more self aware of what’s been going on.
Reading over Life(Real). I can see that fighter in me. The willingness to push and strive while leaning on God but I can now see the denial. The belief I just need to pull myself together and get on with things. That it’s ok to find things difficult but it isn’t ok for that to be debilitation.
I was wrong. Not about it all, I do still think I made some good points, but I was wrong. It’s not for us to always be striving and pushing against the struggles. We need to sometimes recognise what they really are. We need to try and find the roots and cut out the rot. We need to realise they might have a name.
We need to stop comparing ourselves and our troubles to those around us whilst also realising that for some of us we aren’t meant to find it all so hard and tiring. I’m astute enough to know we don’t all carry the same burdens or struggle in the same way. Consequently, I’m aware enough that for some us of life really isn’t meant to be this hard.
I realise I’m being semi-cryptic here but I’m still figuring out where I’m really at and what that means and it’s not something I want to share unfiltered over the interwebs. However, after reading over Life(Real). and how I saw the need to fight back against stress and struggle, I felt I needed a follow up. In the light of last weekend my perspective is skewed and shifted for the better I think.
Don’t just buck up and get on with it. Don’t just get over it and get on with it. If it’s too hard, if it’s debilitating, try and recognise if there’s more to it than it being a bad day, or week, or month. It’s ok to need people, it’s ok to lean on them and their wisdom, and, most importantly, it’s ok to not be ok.